i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I pour the whiskey from now on
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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