the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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