If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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