Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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