Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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