His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
