he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
