Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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