I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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