My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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