mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
