His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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