i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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