If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just puked most of my soul out..
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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