Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
