omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Never let your siblings swipe right.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
