It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
