I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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