I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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