is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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