:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Is it penis luge time yet?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
