My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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