I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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