Where is the hickey?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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