He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
