so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I can't turn off my feet"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
