can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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