Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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