Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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