My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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