a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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