So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
