I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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