Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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