Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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