Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
