I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
