I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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