Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
