You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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