broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
organizing the empties. That sober.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
