I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
