Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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