On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
