we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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