I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
