the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
