I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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