Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
