I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
