Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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