The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
