Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Boobs speak an international language.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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