I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
