So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize