k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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