i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
These tits shall not be calmed
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
