my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
this hospital has no fireball
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
