I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
