he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
