Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
