Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i out mim tonsoeep
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